Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
