I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
