I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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