Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
