someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
there was a trapeze. enough said
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
i out mim tonsoeep
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
