I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
