sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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