He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
