I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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