She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
