I cannot find my penis.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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