a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize