The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
tell your sister to shave her snatch
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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