He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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