he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize