God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
