worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
