i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
