My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
