im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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