Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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