Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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