Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
