I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
