Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Drunk is not a location!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
