I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
