Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We have started to decorate penises.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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