My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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