So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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