My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just threw up on my dentist
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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