Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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