she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My penis needs a shock collar
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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