He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
