Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
