I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
