You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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