You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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