there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
