Quick, to the slutcave!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
