i think i scared a bird with my dick
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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