Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
