end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
