No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
it's like heaven, but drunker
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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