I just cut my nipple shaving
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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