M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
