He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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