She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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