i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
