I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
