She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
