My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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