i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
