dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize