I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
