were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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