You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
