also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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