1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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