Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
