Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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