i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize